In what some fans are calling a slight mishap for the most popular teen heartthrob of our age, Justin Bieber has chewed off his arm in a freak accident. While pointy headed accident investigators are surveying the scene of the tragedy, Justin is resting comfortably in Arnold Palmer’s Hospital for Over Privileged Teens.
Unfortunately, due to the extent of the damage on Justin’s right arm just below the shoulder from multiple flesh tears, doctors will not be able to reattach the severed limb. “Yes, we’ve all been to expensive, lengthy and prestigious medical schools,” stated APHFOPT emergency physician Dr. James Nasium, “but even Albert Einstein couldn’t do much with a half eaten limb, except maybe add some salt.”
After extensive work however, special effects experts were able to fashion Justin’s arm into a prop that can either be used as a mic stand or held by the teen pop star in a threatening manner during concert appearances. “We’ve been looking for a way to get Justin to act a little more macho,” voiced publicist Reed Matheson, “and this is the perfect opportunity. I think fans will love it, we may even sell our first concert ticket to a male.”
While nothing seems to make the star power of Justin Bieber fade, fans and police are trying to figure out exactly how this freak accident took place. According to investigators, Justin was asleep on his couch when a ceiling fan above his head dislodged from its mount and fell beside his head. With the electrical wires still in tact, the fan continued to run, whacking Justin on the side of the face causing him to take a small bite out of his arm with each slap of a fan blade. Justin apparently didn’t realize what was happening since he was in serious crash mode, sleeping while listening to music after a string of mall appearances. Being groggy, Justin attributed the bumps of the fan blades on the side of his face to the extended bass mode of his new Bose headphones.
When the teen idol finally woke up and noticed red liquid, he thought he had broken a jar of raspberry preserves he had been dipping celery into as a snack prior to his nap. “I wasn’t alarmed until I reached for the jar of raspberry preserves with my right hand” said Justin, “and saw my arm roll onto the floor. That’s when I thought, ‘okay this is pretty serious.’”
Even as Justin rests comfortably in APHFOPT, his agents are feverishly working on added rolls for the star. When Twilight director David Slade was asked about Justin now appearing in an upcoming movie, he replied, “While we do appreciate Justin being in to gore and all now, that’s not really the Twilight thing, besides, his abs are way weak compared to Taylor’s and we just can’t have that in our flicks.”
Headlines around the world are now screaming Justin Bieber Chews Off Arm In Freak Accident and everyone waits to see just how extensively this will affect his career.